Howdy!

I’ve been gone a while because my life has been absolutely, totally, and bamboozlingly insane. My writing (and by extension, this blog) has been on the back burner of my mind since I’ve been looking for work. While I hope to find time to write a bit more about the specifics of what’s been happening lately, I wanted to share a particular gem of a communication I had with someone who wanted to employ me.

A little background: I’m looking for a job as a nanny and using some online resources to do so. The other night, I got a text from a man who we’ll call “Derek” because that’s his name. He had gotten my number off of Care.com and was looking for a nanny for his four-year-old twins. I emailed my resume to him as requested, and this is the response I got back (annotated by yours truly)

Thank you for your response,I live in Chicago but we are moving to your area on 25 th of this Month. (Fantastic….do you even know what area or month you are talking about?) I will need a caregiver, Do full time or part time work for you. (Is that a question? What kind of work does this guy need?) More importantly,My son is currently placed on a wheelchair due to an accident he had some weeks ago.he can walk a few distance though but the specialist advised he uses the chair for a while. (Oh boy, I love how this bot doesn’t understand capitalization or punctuation. I’m glad your son can walk “a few distance” and that you’ve seen some nebulous “specialist”) The rate is $15/hour.My son is 5 years old and i really need a honest and responsible care for them (So somehow the four-year-old twins grew into a single five-year-old boy who is still referred to in the plural. And they think I might be the “Honest and Responsible” they need.) This could be a temporary/permanent job. (Interesting how it can be part-time, full-time, temporary, or permanent depending on what I want. And yet the payrate is fixed at $15…well under-market value for Silicon Valley.) I am planning on getting him a powered wheelchair and have contacted a seller. (This is pertinent to me how?)I will let you know as soon as we finalize issues. (Uhh, what issues?) I will like you to send me your complete details.

NAME:,

ADDRESS:

CITY:

STATE:

ZIP CODE:

CELL PHONE NUMBER. 

AGE :

(Not that this isn’t all on my online profile…except for my address…and why on Earth would you need that?)

This could be a temporary/permanent job. It depends on what your schedule looks like but i do like to be sure if you are available the first month would like you to know more about me. (Wat.)

I am a single father and I am only 45 years of age while my son  is 5 years old. (Only forty-five? Why do I need to know this?) I am widowed since the birth of my little angel and we have been living together happily ever since without a urge for a new mother. (Ummm…) I have my own business(Self Employed) which is based on the development and cancelling of the deaf people in the community. (I have to agree with him here. The deaf people in our community definitely need to be developed, and promptly CANCELED. Those people need canceling…uhh…) i attend the catholic. (Charming) You will get to know more when we meet. (I don’t think I want to…this sounds like a bad dating profile.) Kindly include in your email your PICTURE if you have one, your complete NAME, ADDRESS and CELL PHONE NUMBER in other for me to be able to text you in case i need to pass an urgent information.

Thanks

**

I don’t think I want any part of the urgent information he’d be passing. Pretty sure that if I emailed him again, his next email would reveal that he’s actually a Nigerian Prince. You have to wonder what scammers think they’re going to get out of unemployed childcare professionals by offering them $15 an hour for their work. At least most of the junk mail I get promises to enlarge my genitals to unprecedented sizes or turn me into a millionaire overnight. My job hunt has pretty much been a comedy of errors though, so this just feels like the piece de la resistance. I’m just hoping I’ll be able to find a job that doesn’t require me to care for disabled twin-morph toddlers.

-Audrey Joy